People always say time flies. It's true. Boom! 28 years have passed. By this time, I should have reached a phase in life whereby I have a clear plans or directions I want to take in long term. Or at least achieved something financially or in life. But have I? Not yet, really. I'm still naive in my thinking and penniless.
Since young, I have always lived in a very restricted environment, where I couldn't really do things that I should have done myself, i.e. many things were done or thought out for me nicely without me having to lift a finger on it. Yah, it's kinda like "The Life of a Young Master". But I realised I seriously dislike this kinda treatment even when I'm still a kid. At school and at home, I didn't feel really happy at all.
When I reached my teenage years, bigger problems set in, causing much unhappiness in entire family. That time I was experiencing the biggest change in my life. To avoid those unhappy family problems, I drowned myself in electronic games everyday. I was so addicted to it to the extent that I become a rather violent, a huge contrary to my "meek nature". Thanks to my mum and grandparents who are constantly on my side, I managed to wake up and turn over a new leaf. I studied very hard to improve my academic performance, until I did it in my high school years.
Coming to Singapore to study was never on my thought before, despite the fact that I grew up with Singapore TV dramas and news. But I didn't regret the decision to leave my family then after almost 10 years here. I slowly learnt to be independent, learnt to think, plan and solve problems for myself and my family. What about friends? The fact is that I don't really have many friends since young. Even until high school, I only have few friends. I'm rather well-known for my anti-socialness. It's not I'm proud or what. I simply don't know how to socialize!
The poly days were one of my most memorable period in my life. I met many good friends who are sincere, friendly and helpful. But I still chose to isolate myself, in order to do well in my studies to get into NUS Chemical Engineering. At that time, NTU has no CBE department yet. After graduating, NTU suddenly setup a CBE division! I got into NUS Chemistry and NTU CBE. I was so confused that time that I went to Guan Yin Temple at Waterloo Street to ask Goddess Guan Yin which course I should take. I interpreted the "qian" at the temple myself with the help of a book. Essentially it just said "If you choose to do something you like to do, you'll encounter a lot of hardships and obstacles. However, if you choose something you don't really like, your life would be much easier and happier." In the end, I chose the difficult path and here I am, in NTU.
Entering NTU to do such a rigorous course after 2 years of working without seriously using my brain was indeed a very difficult transition for me. But thankfully I met a group of friends who really changed my life. I learnt to socialize more with people, learn to joke or I should say learnt to live like a normal person of my age. I'm grateful to them for dissolving some of my hard-to-get-rid anti-socialness to oblivion. I gradually spend more time with friends than thinking about my family. But the old problems still refused to budge. There's a period of time where I was so overwhelmed by the problems from friends and family until relationships with some of these friends cracked. It has been a year more or less. I'm still very upset when I thought of this every now and then. I gave it a serious thought. Is it really my problem or theirs? Now I finally can conclude. The problem lies more on my side than the other party. Perhaps people just cannot figure out how I think or why I behave in a certain way and they started to misunderstand me more and more. Probably it's the 1st wrong step that led to eventual failure. I didn't give good impression and others' thoughts simply went flying around easily.
Realising this mistake, it was too late. Maybe I'm too perfectionist, a crack will always remain a crack. I cannot tolerate a friend whom I regarded as "One of the best friends in my whole life" to have collaborated with others to actually cause grievous hurt on me & my other best friends who were completely not involved in this matter. It's a serious blow to my faith on that person. Until now, I realised the whole matter arose because I'm still naive at heart.
So what should I do in future? Doing too little makes others think I'm arrogant. But doing too much will only cause more harm to myself and others eventually. What Goddess Guan Yin "qian" said is true, my life is really at a low point now. Did I make a mistake in entering NTU? I still think it's a good decision. I'll learn to be more mature from now onwards.
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