等待着

等，等，等。。。

工作，你在哪儿？

我等到花儿也谢了。。。

期待着。。。

生活真的是单调, 感觉上好像缺少了什么东西。

像当初，几乎每一天都有期待着一些东西。

开心的事，真的是短暂。

不开心的事，也是短暂。

但是，往往人就只是记住这些事情。

付出的，我不指望能够收回来。

没付出的，我也不敢盼望能够得到。

命运就是这么爱作弄人。

人活在这个世上，有什么是值得留恋 ?

家人？朋友？陌生人？大自然？或这是根本看不到的东西？

不管是什么，最重要的是。。。

接下来得每一天, 希望有多一些开心，少一些悲伤.

不多不少的人生，才是最幸福的。

FYP Presentation

It's an long overdue post. Anyway, still wish to post it as a memory.

Last time really look forward to ending the FYP poster presentation, as it marks the end of my 4-year studies in NTU. On the day itself, Prof Aman was injured and has to walk on a crutch. I was a bit worried as he may feel uncomfy for standing still for 10-15 mins on a crutch while listening to my probably-naggy presentation. But he cut it short & all my nervousness disappeared quickly. He asked some unexpected-and-non-FYP-related questions and I was stunned for a while. And finally it's over. Then shortly after, Prof Arvind came to our booths. Hmm I told him I didn't even present it properly, as the flow was disrupted. But he said maybe Prof Aman is convinced of my work, so he didn't ask too many questions. But I seriously don't think so. Although I think my FYP is a real mess, but I really appreciate the result. Despite my many complaints, I was touched by what he told me during 1 of the consultation sessions and also after photo-taking sessions. I'll remember his advices.

Ok, it's photo time!

Liming & Lenard + Kit Bun behind

Me & Prof Arvind

Kit Bun, Yahui, me, Prof Arvind, Lenard, Gui Jin & Qiwei

(Haha, it's so symmetrical, even though we just anyhow stand next to each other)

Design Project mates (Haha, all smiles, esp Lenard)

Almost Done!

FYP report submitted! Design project completed! Exams done! Left with FYP Poster Presentation. Don't know why, I don't feel excited at all.

This FYP made me realised how little I know about CSTR and batch reactor. Although it's nothing near impressive, but at least I've learnt sth new. But he's not convinced about my arguments, despite I've already made it very simple to grasp. He also heck care about what I write in my report and only care about formatting. So what if you have the best-formatted report in the world? If there's something wrong with the basics, no amount of formatting can make up for that. My report was the last one to be read, somemore read during design lecture. That goes to show how insignificant my work is to him. I tried to put in a lot of effort into getting the basics right. But did he know? I'm totally disappointed with him. Although I've really learnt a lot from him, in terms of how to approach & solve problems, but humans are still humans. Projects which are not related to own research tend to be neglected. Never mind, I'm not bothered with my FYP grade, only what I can learn from it by myself, since I cannot get 1st class anyway.

As for design project, it also has its fair share of joy & frustration. At the start, everything seems ok. I felt very excited, since I've been waiting for 3 years for this and finally I can apply what I've learnt. But along the way, problems gradually set in. I'm really frustrated when there are non-technical problems spoiling my "design project experience", as I have very high expectations on it. I know in real life these kind of situations will occur anyway, so I'll treat it as a learning point. In the end, didn't produce a really fantastic report, still far from what the profs wanted... Creative design ideas, we still lack on this.

Job hunting hasn't had any results so far. Expected, since I didn't really put in much effort into getting lots of interviews. Will focus on job search after grad trip. Frankly speaking, many companies are very short-sighted in their recruitment drives. They mainly look at your grades. If you're not 1st class, then your resume is of lower priority. I know it's a fact, but it's such a stupid mentality. It doesn't mean that 2nd class people have no drive or have much inferior quality of work than the 1st class ones. I know theoretically speaking, there is a higher probability of success if you hire a 1st class graduate. But in real life, things don't obey this "prediction" strictly.

Next, I got a tuition student! Thanks old friend Peifen, who comes to my rescue when I'm in need of money. At least it offsets part of my expenses before I found a permanent job. So excited about tutoring JC Chemistry. I still remember vividly I fell in love with chemistry instantly during my high school years, culminating in my choice of chemical engineering as a career. It's fun to do what you like, but it's a great responsibility, as I've to gradually build up her excitement and confidence in chemistry and also need to ensure I teach the concepts correctly and the tutee really understand what I said. Although she told me she'll be taking psychology in NUS, nonetheless, I still look forward to tutoring her.

Finally comes the graduation trip! So excited about it. Never thought of going to Vietnam or Cambodia, somemore on a backpacking trip. Maybe the influence of HRM lecturer Richard was too great, as he frequently mentioned "Vietnam" as an example of overseas job posting destination. From itinerary planning to preparing stuff for the trip, a lot of things to consider & do. It's really difficult for a person like me who seldom travels. But most important is the travel experience. I hope I can be more travel-savvy after this. I dream of travelling to different parts of the world whenever I have the time & resources to do so. This shall be the starting point!

Then comes the Influenza A(H1N1) flu virus. Haiz, it really comes at a bad time. Even my student asked me "Har, you are still travelling? You are not afraid of swine flu?". I told her I'll monitor the situation closely, but I think should be ok. Just make sure I maintain personal hygiene & avoid overly crowded areas. In short, I won't let this swine flu spoil my trip!

Ok, enough of words!

Can it be resolved?

I'd like to quote a slide from Richard's lecture, which I finally understand what it means.

"Never explain yourself to anyone,
because the person who likes you don't need it and
because the person who dislikes you won't believe it."

Since it's impossible for anyone to understand me really well, I've tried very hard to explain what kind of person I really am. But in the end, does anyone really take it seriously?

It's true that I have changed in the past year; I'm more direct with what I want to say. In the past, my bad communication skills and critical way of voicing out my opinion will very likely cause people to get the wrong idea. But if it’s a very important matter, I’ll directly voice out my opinion on it, even if people may be unhappy after hearing what I say.

Alas, being too frank landed myself in trouble. Just because of one misinterpreted blog post, people have been angry with me.

Frankly speaking, I have never expected or demanded my friends to entertain me all the time. Of course, I’m very aware that they have been very nice to me, tried to joke with me and I’ve never taken them for granted. A lot of times, I become not very responsive, as I have very big and troublesome non-academic problems to face. You may think “How big the problem can be?” You think I’m exaggerating. But I’m not. You will be so amused when you witnessed all those very big and troublesome problems only come to me when I am very busy and when people want to talk to me. I responded, even though it’s not much. The reason I don’t really want to tell others about my personal problems is that I don’t want others to pity me or to give me “special treatment”. When I noticed their attitude to me suddenly changed and seemed permanent, I’m worried something was happening. In the process of finding out what happened, a series of things I observed and experienced led me to write that post.

Me and them have been good friends over the past 3-4 years. In their opinion, am I really that kind of bad/evil person at the core? What about their interactions with me all along? What about all the things I have done in the past? Why does the foundation of friendship so weak, to the extent that it cannot even withstand a single blow? If it has been so weak all along, then I must have been living in my own imaginary, ideal world. It’s a fact that a thousand good things can be destroyed just by a single bad thing. But is the bond really so weak?

If they really intend to avoid or hate me forever after reading that blog post, I only have one thing to say.

“I never expected things will turn out this way. I’m deeply sorry. I’ll always remember the times we all spent together as a group, as it has been the happiest times in my life.”

Do we need to rush everything in life to be efficient?

Time itself is important.

But reasonable duration of time needed to think through things is even more important.

Rushing into things while neglecting important-but-not-that-obvious aspects only wastes time.

Insist on doing what is right, when you know (not assume) it's the truth.

Too focused on what others wanted is not at all an independent thinking.

Enlightened Again

It's recess again, but it's my last one in NTU. As usual, it’s a period of catching up & thinking about what to do next. Although there are many things to do, I've been taking things easier now. I’m only worrying about things which are really important. It's seems to be a good thing. For things which are beyond my control & irreversible, I’ll let go.

Today met up with an old friend to have a chit chat. Realized I've been so financially unsavvy all along and made a painful mistake, now experiencing its aftereffects. A lot of times, it really doesn’t take much time and effort to come up with a good plan and idea, it just need a calm and rational mind. It’s an “area for improvement” (quoted from Richard, the HRM lecturer)

All along, I have not been able to do things I really want to do, due to many constraints. I’ve been trying to change myself to adapt to the environment. I’m akin to a small bird trapped in a cage, able to see the wonderful things happening outside, but can’t do anything to experience it. The next step is to overcome the psychological activation energy. I need to try changing the environment slightly, to let people slowly understand what I wish to do. When this happens, I can take a breather and do meaningful things to broaden my experiences & insights & fly out of the cage for a moment...

Inspiring Thoughts

The past fortnight has been pretty bored & unmotivated. Today something caught my attention. Something fun in YouTube from Prof Jiang Rongrong after bioseparations lecture... the commencement speeches by J.K. Rowling at Harvard University in 2008 and Steve Jobs at Stanford University in 2005.

Basically they shared their personal experiences on failure and what made them successful. I had particularly deep impression on the following points they made.

"If you live your life too cautiously, you have failed by default.

It's not how much you live, but the quality of life you live."

J.K. Rowling [1]

"Pursue what you really love to do and you'll do it very well."

Steve Jobs [2]

For people who have not been experiencing major failures in their lives, perhaps it's difficult to put themselves in Rowling's and Steve's shoes. I guess many people have also experienced this dilemma...

Family's and society's expectations

VERSUS

Dreams and passion

How many people have that kind of courage to go against all odds to pursue what they really want to do? Very few I guess.

It's inspiring to hear others' success stories. However, we often use others' measure of success for ourselves. But definition of success should be personalised. I think if we manage to achieve the goals we set for ourselves, no matter how minor they are, we have been successful. In today's societies, much of the definition of success are material-based, which are a major source of stress in life. The tendency to constantly compare ourselves with others make our life even more difficult.

Basically, there are no such thing as things which we can't do. Everything needs time and it's only a matter of learning how accept the failures and bouncing back from it.

I'm lucky to be taught by a good teacher, who not only teaches you how to think, but also motivate you. Arigato gozaimasu!

Sources of images :

[1] http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2007/10/20/jk_narrowweb__300x390,0.jpg
[2] http://www.sfgate.com/blogs/images/sfgate/techchron/2007/01/09/mn_macworld_caps104.jpg